going up north tomorrow..

Sorry this blog has been silent for a few days. I was in detroit for two days working, and when I got back thursday night there was worship band practice, then friday a group yard sale at my friend Lisa's, chores at Mom's, dinner at Jeanette's(Mom's best friend), more chores at Jeanette's, a 10 pm trip to the laundry mat(washer's broken) in a borrowed truck(car's broken), 1/2 hour drive to Lawrence to borrow my Dad's canoe(found out it's infested w/ wasps.), long talks with sister Lara/Dad/Jane, a mug of plantation mint tea(nice and strong), and back to the laundrymat to dry clothes, home by 1:30 am, packed haphazardly, in bed posting this blog by 2:10 am. Getting up to catch our ride up north for the annual Little Northwinds camping trip at 8:30 am.....
so.
This will be my last post until next Saturday when we return to civilization and internet access.
I hope your week is filled with more rest than my evening has had! :)

BIG relief.

It was a fun show, a challenging show, a chaotic whirl. We closed on Saturday, and I know we were all ready to be done..
The picture above doesn't show me(hey - it's a party..I'm probably by the snack bar), but most of the cast is visible.
Sarah has the blue dress in the center, Kelly is in the dark suit, and Doug lights up the stage in a white flash. In the back with the beard is Roger, who I have gotten to know and love after doing a couple of shows together. These are just a few of the people who are a huge part of why I'm active in community theater. I love connecting with people who I would otherwise never meet, a vast spectrum of personalities brought together by a common passion.

Tomorrow or Wednesday I go to Detroit for another project, then a break until Aug. 15 when rehearsals for Camelot start (this will be a beautiful show & I'm so excited about being involved!)..this is my first show with the Civic: lots of challenge(I'm not a dancer yet), a director I respect(I took a comedy workshop with him last year), lots to learn, and a whole new group of people to love!


www.ppvp.org

A Prayer attributed to St. Francis

Lord, make us instruments of your peace. Where there is hatred, let us sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.
Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

Willow & Ginger's Frog Prince..

This morning we woke the girls up, fed them breakfast, and waited for their surprise visitor. At promptly 8:21 am, Grandma Kern arrived at the door, and we set off on our mystery trip. After an hour of driving and vague answers to the girls' curious questions, we finally admitted that we were on a journey to find the *perfect* parking lot. We found it in Coldwater and cheered as we parked. Willow eyed us incredulously("We drove all this way for pavement?", she must have been thinking)..
Ginger cheered along with the majority , unsure of why a parking lot could be so exciting, but willing to humor us.

Satisfied with our triumph and about to load the girls up for the trip home, the adults happened to notice that their Perfect Parking Lot was directly across the street from the Tibbits Opera House...and there were children entering through the stained glass doors..excited children.

Minutes later, the secret out at last, Willow and Ginger settled into their seats and experienced their first encounter with theater.


"The Frog Prince" was an enchanted blend of wistful songs, a beautiful princess, an evil-yet-fascinating snake, and a misunderstood prince..
At intermission, we were lavished with popcorn and koolaid in the gallery basement of the theater. In the middle of a sea of children and Grandmas , Ginger busied herself with scooping up all the fallen popcorn and eating it as fast as she could. Until we realized what she was doing. I really don't know how much she got before we caught on, but she was thoroughly enjoying herself.

In the end, the prince got his kiss, the snake was defeated by the deafening whistles and shrieks of 200 children, the princess got her treasure back, and we all left happy.

Fessing up

These words from Sacred Space today convicted my heart.

I need to close out the noise, to rise above the noise;The noise that interrupts, that separates,The noise that isolates.I need to listen to God again.

I am so inconsistent in the intentional time I spend meditating on God's presence in my life. I choose to let other things crowd up my time; things that, no matter how good, cannot feed my soul like time with my maker..
And worse, I am inconsistent in the desire to pray, and the hunger to become more like God in heart and character..

Most dangerous of all, I am too often so preoccupied with trivial concerns, so self - focused, that I forget to be sorry for all of this. And the longer I ignore the need to confess my shortcomings to my Father and allow him to change my life, the less pressing that need feels.

I am so glad that God does not choose to treat me the way I often treat him..
His love is the kind that doesn't give up..

..Love does not alter when it alteration finds,
Or bend with the remover to remove..
Oh no, it is an ever fix'ed mark..
william shakespeare

enjoying the break..

Since sunday's matinee performance of BIG, I have been spending my time relaxing, playing with the girls, playing cards and grilling out with friends, and reading Pride & Prejudice, which I am determined to finish before tonight when BIG resumes. I have been completely satisfied by this book so far..it is rare for me to enjoy a romance novel, but Austen writes with wit & intelligence that make the language of the story just as interesting as the characters within it.

Willow has been counting the days for months, and Monday, her anticipation became reality: we got in the car, drove to the Dance Zone in PawPaw, put on her leotard and she pranced into her first ballet class.

She told me not to watch; that I could just read my book. I kind of listened, actually not at all - there was a two way mirror for the parents to observe the class, and I couldn't take my eyes off her the entire hour. She was having so much fun...she payed attention for about half of the time, while the other half I could see that she was daydreaming :) ... don't know where she gets that.

So, today I feel really sick. It's been a long time since I've been ill, so at first I was confused about why I felt so..heavy. When I woke up this morning it felt like my whole body was weighed down from the inside with mortar. Or oatmeal. Like 100 lbs of oatmeal filling every limb, making me move in slow motion..
Funny thing about when a mom gets stuck in slow motion: her children seem to zip through the house in super-fast-forward; making messes, having arguments, and inventing elaborate games at the speed of light..
I am counting down the hours until their lunch and nap, which will herald the arrival of the part of today I most look forward to - my nap.

we're not afraid dot com

This website was started after the London bombings by a private citizen, and images have been posted from people all over the world. Some of the pictures are beautiful, some disturbing, many are powerful. More powerful is the message they send, untainted by the propoganda of government and professional media: that all over this planet, there are people who refuse to live in fear. www.werenotafraid.com

28 years ago, an adventurer was born..

.... and he has been exploring ever since.

I'm so glad our journeys came together into one epic adventure!
Happy Birthday, Justin - You are a patient, faithful, fun husband..and an incredible father to Willow & Ginger.

We love you!
Katie Rose

Justin and I are going on a mini-adventure tomorrow..

and I'll write all about it when we're done. Hint: it involves sleeping overnight in a parking lot.

Thinking out loud...

as i was reading today's prayer at sacred space, i was remembering the times when i've been part of groups where god's presence was most sweetly felt..deco tec, the youth organization justin & i used to work with; center lake bible camp; times of prayer with family & close friends..
i miss those times, but it's not just that i wish i could revisit or recreate decotec or center lake..it's what they all had in common that I wish to recapture. Each of those settings was marked by an atmosphere of unconditional acceptance. Everyone was accepted no matter what..
why don't we experience god's presence sweetly in our worship services more? is it because our gatherings aren't places where everyone finds unconditional acceptance? is it possible that the movement of god's spirit is terribly hindered by the measurements and qualifications we place on each other?
what would happen to our worship services if we could learn to accept everyone there, regardless of whether they see the world the way that we do? and why is that so hard to do?
hm...

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I'll be in and out for the next week or so..

Dress rehearsals for BIG have started, and the show opens Thursday, so my presence here will be sporadic for the next week...but I'll try to post as often as I can.

If you're the praying sort, would you mind praying for me tonight? Yesterday at rehearsal, a young girl from the cast( 15 -ish.. and a neat kid) got into a heated argument with another castmate about whether the bible is true. What could have been an interesting discussion turned ugly because she was so focused on proving her point and being right/ convincing him, that she failed to treat him like a human being. I cringed as I overheard this, remembering my zealous(and often inconsiderate) "witnessing" attempts at her age.. to sum it up, the man she was talking to lost his temper(" it's because of PEOPLE LIKE YOU that I'm still screwed up and f-ing around" was the gist of it), she left the room dejected, and after several of us calmed him a bit, I went to see if she was o.k.

She was certainly misguided and passionate in the argument, and when I caught up with her she was declaring how she was going to show up to tonight's practice with "100's" of pages of evidence that would prove to him the Bible was true.
Oh, honey.
She's fifteen, and all of us at fifteen(and often me now) struggle with a desperate need to be understood and agreed with..

She asked if we could talk tonight, and I need God's help. I want to treat her with love as I gently remind her that what people really need can't be drilled into them through a war of words, and that although her passion and earnestness are admirable, we all need to remember that our purpose here is to love God and love people. Period. And if we lose sight of that( as I know I have countless times) because we're trying to "win" the argument... we become part of the problem.. and they can't see God in us unless we're loving them.

These won't be easy things to hear..and I'm definitely not an authority on love; more like a skewed work-in-progress.. at her age, I was leaving tracts on my parents' kitchen counter and thinking that I was helping "win them" to Christ... not considering their feelings and too afraid to engage them in spiritual discussions in case I didn't have all the right answers..

But I hope that I can communicate these things to her in a way that encourages her rather than leaves her feeling attacked...because even now I need to remember that people are more important than making myself understood.

What is your reaction to this?

I Was Right(it happened many times)

as a Catholic... I was right

when I became a Jehovah's Witness... I was right.

when I "got saved"... I was right.

as a Pentecostal... I was right.
when I became a charismatic... I was right.
when I joined the local Baptist church... I was right.

in all of the arguments with my boss, my wife and various motorists... I was right.

when I volunteered to help re-elect Bush 41... I was right.

as a Republican... I was right.

as the parent... I was right.
even now... I am right.

it's funny how often I was right and yet ruined so many relationships.

I now think, the only time I'm right is when I model Jesus and value people over my ideas,
my theology,
my preferences,
my political views

and even <>>gulp<<> me.

Thanks to author Octavio Martinez for allowing me to use this...lots of interesting conversations happening over at his xanga site...click on the title of this post or the link below to check it out..


www.xanga.com/ocmartinez

Shameless Promotion of My Favorite Band in 3....2....1....

Sytek & Davies have released a new album this summer, From The Shadow of the Citadel.
You can hear samples of their unique folk-fusion tracks at their website, www.sytekdavies.com

They're fresh, creative and bold artists who live their craft, and I'm not just saying that because they are my parents. ;)

No mom wants to hear..

that tone in their husbands voice when she gets home.."Willow, tell mommy what happened"..
Even in the dark tent(they're camping out in the backyard), I could see her silhouette didn't look quite right..
"I cut my hair.", she said quietly.
I took her in the house and tried to hide my reaction when I saw how bad it was: her soft blonde hair hung normally on one side down to her shoulders, while the other side stuck out at odd angles and various lengths..or no length in several spots. My stomach felt sick as I realized there was no way to fix it. It would just have to grow out, & it will be months before it looks alright.. I watched her closely for signs that she felt shamed, realized what she had done & how it looked. I was so relieved when she said "I like it this way." Because, to me, it wasn't the cut hair that was so upsetting. It was the chance that this could be the first moment in her little-girl life that she looked in the mirror and felt ashamed of what she saw; that she's not 'good enough'. All of us women have had that wounding moment sometime, and I want my daughters to be the first women in history to go through life with their vision of how beautiful God made them intact!
I got out the scissors and tried to fix willow's hair as best as I could, and we decided it will be nice to accessorise. Bandanas, scarves, hats..
A final thought:
To those of you who will interact with Willow in person, please help us protect her precious heart and don't mention anything about her hair.. this is an age where she will develop a view of herself that she's likely to carry all her life, and we want it to be a positive one!

Tonight I'm thinking of the child who isn't home yet.

Tomorrow I have an audition for a video training series produced by an adoption agency nearby.. that, coupled with several other conversations in as many days, has my heart really tuned in to our own story..
Last year we decided to add to our family by adopting a child, and that dream has been delayed mainly because of financial issues. I know that the timing hasn't been right yet anyway, but I still have this odd feeling of unrest. When we decided to adopt, my heart grew another chamber for this child; somehow it feels as if a child has been conceived, but we have no idea how long the gestation will be or how to overcome the hurdles between us and that 'birth'. So, at night when I tuck my girls in and feel the wash of gratefulness for their safety and closeness... I'm not totally at ease. Because I have this distinct sense that one of my children is not home yet, and so many of my prayers and so much of my love is devoted to this child who has been conceived in my heart, whose name I don't know; and I ache for the first night I can tuck in my children and know that all of them are here, home, close.

So this audition means more to me than any other I've done before..because although our hope is deferred for now, I may yet have a chance to be a part of preparing other hopeful families together with their adopted children. And that would be a gift from God to this mom.

now what?

so, today Justin drove me to Chicago, where I auditioned for an agent - and got signed! I've been floating on the rush of it all day, thinking, "did that really just happen?".. who knows what will come out of it, but it is definitely a step in the right direction.
so, now what?
Hard work, saving money for professional headshots, taking classes, travelling to auditions, finishing up my theater commitments this summer then leaving the calendar more clear for jobs that may actually - joy!- pay something.
I'm scared to death and I love it.
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firsts

We have a much-loved friend who recently lost his wife to cancer, and tonight we were at his house watching fireworks. The home is totally infused, saturated, with who she was and how she lived..it's beautiful and sad. It was hard to see him there in the house they built together, surrounded by countless reminders of her.

I'm sure it was painful for him to sit on his deck with friends and watch the fireworks, for the first time without his wife.

I think it's interesting how when two people meet, fall in love, and marry -during the time when they come together, what are the sweetest moments? The 'firsts'. First conversation, first shared laugh, first date, kiss..

And when you lose someone, what are the most excruciating moments? The firsts. Every time you have realize 'this is the first time I've done this without them'.

So love is a journey of firsts. And grief is a journey of firsts.

For our friend, I wish some firsts as well:
The first time he can talk about their love without weeping
The first time he can wake up in the morning and feel right in the world she's not in anymore
The first moment of deep joy with no hint of sadness


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one more thing..

I got this quote from a blog I recently started reading:

"Thus the task is, not so much to see what no one has yet seen; but to think what nobody has thought, about that which everybody sees."
Erwin Schrodinger (1887-1961)

you can visit prismhead's blog here:
www.prismhead.blogspot.com

VanAntwerp Family Update..

It looks like our family will be shooting to move to LA by next May, if all goes well. Justin will use his time here to train our leaders to continue the ministry without him once we go, and I will be using my time as I have been for the past year; learning all I can about acting before transitioning to LA. We will be involved with Mosaic once we relocate, a community of Christ - followers that we have really connected with and stand behind. We are considering all our options and thinking creatively about saving the money we'll need to move.
We will view our time there initially as a short term thing, probably 2 years, and then possibly use the things we've learned to build a ministry back in the Midwest. Nothing's really carved in stone yet, but we believe that this will be the next step on our journey.
I auditioned today for Offshore in Detroit, which was fun and went well. I don't know if I'll get a part, but I know I improved from my last on-camera audition, and that's a step in the right direction!
In closing, here's Ginger's song of the day(clearly she shows remarkable talent):

"My name is Vegetable today,
My name is Veg - e- table today...
LALALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Vegetable today.."
words and music by Ginger May2005
dedicated to Buscia,DjaDja, Aunt Lara, and veggie lovers everywhere..

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driving down the highway the other day....

something happened.
I was coming home from an appointment on a day so hot the air shimmered, listening to the radio and thinking about what I had to do when I got home
and my eye was caught by this plastic bag in the median ahead of me.
The kind of bag that I get at the checkout line in the grocery store, the kind we use for garbage at home instead of buying real trash liners( a habit that links me inseparably with my Aunt Pam, who does the same thing - it drives the rest of the family crazy)...
A gust of wind had caught it up into the air, like twenty feet above the highway, and it didn't come down. It just danced up there, filled with wind, twirling as if on some invisible giant's finger.
And it was beautiful.

And I watched it until I passed it by, still carving graceful arcs against the hazy blue sky.
And I thought it was fascinating that something discarded and inanimate as that bag could be made beautiful. It was the wind that did it. The wind caught it up after it had been discarded; used, thrown away. The wind gave it life, and a brief chance to be something beautiful.
And I thought, somehow, we might be a little bit like that bag. And, definitely, that the wind is alot like God.

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recently I had an epiphany, kind of. I realized that everyone in my life who I have built significant, loving relationships with, is still on this planet. I was struck with the hugeness of that gift, to have all my loved ones alive and well. And I just stayed quiet for awhile thinking about the richness of this moment in my life..grateful to have it, knowing it won't last. I thought about what a priviledged it is to draw breath, to have sight, to feel. It wasn't that I hadn't thought of this before, but it was more real to me in that time of reflection than ever.

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on a practical note, I am driving to Detroit tomorrow to audition for the film 'Offshore'. This is the biggest audition I've ever had, and although I don't really expect to get the part I'm trying for given my inexperience, I would appreciate your prayers that I will be at my absolute best and be a conduit for God's presence in that place. Same goes for the meeting I have in Chicago with a talent agent on Tuesday...I'm testing the waters in a pretty big lake, and I could use God's help! Thanks, for reading this blog and caring about me!

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I know I've said this before, but: if you're reading this, no matter how you got here, whether I know you personally or not, you belong here. Thanks for reading!