I try not to let it get too quiet

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" A fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. But since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won't hold up forever, and if you are lucky and brave you will be willing to bear disillusion. You begin to cry and writhe and yell and then to keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination."

From traveling Mercies, by Anne Lamott

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I am grieving the death of so much of the life I thought I knew. It is deep and dull and constant, like swelling. I drive with the radio on, I watch television, play with the girls, read them books, work out, fidget, talk on the phone or read many of your blogs. For the past two months there has been very little quiet in my life, not just because I'm busy and needed by the girls..but because I create distractions. As many as I can. I didn't consciously know I was doing it, but I've slowly been confronting myself over the past few days. realizing that I've been trying to move past this, get through this, but haven't let myself even begin to really grieve the loss. If I stay focused, busy, productive, it doesn't hurt as much. Because I think if it gets too quiet I will become aware of what's going on inside me, and I'm afraid to look at it. I'm afraid the pain of this loss will suck me inward and keep me there. I hope it won't. I hope that grief will reward me for being honest enough to lean into it, by letting me go. So, I am going to look at it, hopefully a little at a time. Every day I will try to create at least a few minutes of quiet, stillness in my body and thoughts. Because if I don't, if I just try to move on and forget and be happy on the surface, I think one day the entire load of sadness will hit me at once and knock the hope right out of me.

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" the depth of feeling continued to surprise and threaten me, but each time it hit again and I bore it, like a nicotine craving, I would discover that it hadn't washed me away."