What are you doing New Year's Eve?

I came home tonight, and got to spend valuable time with the people I love... My not-so-little sister came to get me. She's leaving for college next week, and I'll be at the clinic, so we have to say our goodbyes this weekend. I'm elated for her - her dreams are beautiful & they are being realized; but I'm also a selfish sister/friend & I want her to staywithin two miles of my house forever....
It was wonderful to dance with my sunshine girls & snuggle them into bed, but all the while there was also this awkwardness; a definite feeling deep in my gut that I've been gone too long. Willow finally asked today, after I opened a conversation about how she was feeling , "Mommy, why do you keep going to the hotel?"
Thud.
There was no easy answer for that, so I treaded carefully, honestly; I told her mommy hadn't been feeling well & had to take special classes at a school with doctors, and that Mommy would be done very soon & I'm feeling much better now & everyone there is nice but Mommy is having a hard time being there so much because she misses her sweet girls....And Mommy is going to be fine, & Willow is, too. I kissed her, prayed with her, and asked her what I could do while I am gone - she said , " Pray for me."
I do , baby. All the time every day.

I could have walked out of there thinking I was a lousy mother for being away all this time...That I didn't say the right thing to ease her concerns....that I am fooling myself about being able to finish this treatment....

Instead, I concentrated on the truth:
This is hard - being away from my children & Justin is crappy
This is worth it - I'm going to be a healthier person with the tools I've learned
I am a great mom - I might not say the perfect words, but my children are bathed in my love and they know their value...I have plenty of years ahead to love them & spend time with them;I will be a better mom after this
I am stronger now in this vulnerability than I have ever been in my acheivements.
As a family, we've got good things ahead!
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God Blessed Bela

I just got this Bela Fleck cd where he collaborates with Edgar Myer. Bela is the master of the banjo, and Edgar can do a little sumthin with the double bass. If you like either of them, you'll love them together. if you haven't heard them before, stretch a little and try a new musical flavor -- it won't disapoint(unless you only like music with lyrics). ;)
ps the album's called Music For Two.

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17 minutes into Christmas Eve

It's 12:17 Thursday night/Friday morning, and an hour ago I was planning to just check my email for 'a minute'. It always happens this way; like when I go to the store for 'one thing'. I just get caught up and lose track of time! I am so happy to be home for the holiday with Justin & the girls. I was deeply content reading books and snuggling close with my beautiful ones before tucking them into bed, and they were definitely happy to see 'mommy' (it's been 4 days). After they slept, Justin and I spent time together & got their stockings & gifts finished. I've finished a week at the clinic, and know that I'm gaining crucial insights into myself, as well as learning about anxiety disorder & how to manage it. I'll update more this weekend - I wish you all a sweet and meaningful Christmas.
You've
got
my
love!
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Tired after my 1st 2 days

My first two days at the clinic have been really exhausting, but good. It was weird to show up and be directly plugged into the schedule of a mini culture that I had no real preparation for. Talking about intensely personal issues with people you've never met is just.....Weird. The good news is, Day 2 was less weird because, I *had* met them. I'm glad I made the choice to go through this, but I had no idea how exhausting it would be. Plus, I guess I had this idea that I'd be there throughout the week ,come home on the weekends, and *do* all the stuff I always do. I was surprised when, after coming home tonight, I really just wanted to rest.

There are people there from all walks of life, all ages, with every type of problem imaginable. Before, I struggled a little with this sarcastic, resistant view of "group therapy" - all the exposure I've had is through the movies, and we all know funny they make it seem. The thing is, it's not like that. I walked into this group of people, and I can't view them that way now that I see the reality:
They are *real* people, hurting desperately, all of them struggling(some of them for their lives). They are startlingly honest and transparent(a breath of fresh air in a way)...And it's just *not* funny. So, having shed the sarcasm, I actually think I'll get a lot out of this type of counseling.
The counselor assigned to me is a follower of Christ, a genuine person, and easy to understand - that is a relief to me, since I have to spend a lot of time with and put trust in this person.
I've been concretely diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder/panic disorder. This sounded pretty scary until I was shown the research:
17% of Americans are diagnosed with some form of panic disorder each year.
That's almost 1 in 5.
Number of people who have ever died from a panic attack: None. Ever.

There are several things that could have caused this for me, and next week we'll be investigating those possible factors. I'll update next weekend when I am home, unless my laptop gets fixed before then so I can have it with me at the hotel.
Until then, you all have my
love.
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Norma Jean's Daughters

Norma Jean's Daughters

Here's the plan

The updates on the recent struggles we've been going through are here:

I have been tentatively diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder - you can find out more about this by searching any online medical database

I am starting an intensive program through meier clinic(a Christ - centered counseling service experienced in serving people in full time ministry). I'm starting this Thursday and will be in it for three weeks( it goes all day, M - F, with four day weekends for Christmas and New Year). I'm free on the weekends to spend time with Justin & the girls, and we will be coming to Christmas in GR this Saturday.

I'm looking forward to getting this figured out soon, and don't have a problem doing the work it will take to accomplish that...I am *not* looking forward to being away from Justin&girls and the coffeeshop community for three weeks!

Speaking of the girls, they don't know exactly what's going on, so if you want to talk to me about this I'd rather it's not in front of them. Justin will be caring or them with the help of family here, and in the evenings he'll try to bring them often for movie nights or slumber parties(anything he can come up with to get them to me so I can snuggle them!

Forgive us for the extremely *sparse* gift distribution this year - the hospital stay and the meier program have left us stretched financially. We were looking into med insurance plans, but didn't have one yet. We'll be ok - we've seen God provide before so many times, and we're really learning that money doesn't matter much.

If you want to get hold of me while I'm gone, I'll have my cell or you can call Justin for my hotel & room number. I might still have computer access but if not I'll update this site on the weekends.
~Love you all! Thanks for your prayers~

This is a meaning - *full* link

This is a really interesting dialogue about meaning and how we as humans ascribe meaning to everything around us...if you want a breath of fresh air , click on this link then scroll down the page till you get to Erwin McManus' sermon The Search For Meaning...choose the 'Total' - it's about 1/2 hour long, and well worth it!P.S. Bear with the improv - it's a little cheesy
">Link http://www.christianchallengeucla.com/mosaic.htm

The full story on last night

For those of you who have heard part of the story and are worried, and for the rest of you who havent heard at all, I'm posting a short explanation of recent events in my life..
Last night I had a brief episode of symptoms that looked like stroke; I couldn't speak correctly and was very weak. Justin took me to the hospital to get checked out while Mary stayed ith the kids..
They did several tests at the hospital and ruled out a major stroke but said it could be one of two things:
1 ) A mini stroke, where the symptoms last unde 24 hrs and leave no trace for tests, or
2)A physical reaction to stress or anxiety.

They are doing bloodwork and an echo to rule out some other stuff, but the most likely culprits are above.
When I hit my twenties, I began a struggle which I now believe is with anxiety. I didn't talk about it at first, because i had no idea what was wrong with me and felt like I could fix it on my own if I tried hard enough..
In the past year, i have learned more about this and now am feeling pretty comfortable talking about it. Yeah, I feel vulnerable sharing this publicly, but I think for those of you who love me, it's important that you know...and it's easier to explan this once rather than over & over.
This is basically how it works as far as I can see:
I am happy with my life & grateful for what I have
I love my husband and girls tremendously
I am following Christ and loving Him more than maybe ever
I feel tremendous pressure that I can't explain - I'm increasingly forgetful and anxious, especially at night...I can't seem to manage life's requirements - even the good things, in a balanced way.

So..I don't know if last night's problem was a ministroke or stress-related, but I am seeing doctors this week to address both possibilities. I don't want you guys to worry, and I don't want anyone to try and fix it for me. God's taking me through this, and I trust that I'll come out on the other side with something of value that I coudn't have learned any other way.

I also want to say this: If it disapoints you to see this weakness in my life, that may possibly mean that you have elevated me to a place I never belonged in the first place. It's easy to put people in boxes or on pedastals, and I don't ever want to reside there! Everyone has struggles, and this is mine. It may be unsettling, but I refuse to gloss myself over with the appearance of having it all together. Integrity means alot to me, and I lose that quality if I act fake just to save face. My relationship with God means everything to me, and I love it that He takes me as I am, struggles and all.
Hope this has answered some questions...I love you and will keep updates on this blog when warranted.
God is the ONLY one who will never let you down,
Kate

Out of Kleenex

I just ran out of Kleenex, which is not good considering the severity of this cold I've been battling ... the upside is that I get to bundle up and head to the store, which promises to be a fun trip because of the dense&beautiful fog tonight.
So..
this cold won't last forever although every time I get sick it DOES feel permanent

a drive, or better yet, walk to the store will certainly help

I likelikeLIKE fog.
When I don't feel good, I'm always amazed at how much there still is to do. You can't make a toddler understand that it would be best to stay in bed all day with your head under a pillow, nostrils stuffed with Kleenex, periodically groaning. They just don't accept that option;)

Until next time...
be lighthearted

The First Triumphant Entry

Welcome to the first - ever blog created by me & dedicated to family , close friends, and fellow onion avoiders worldwide. Here it is and here it will stay ....

I know it's a bit exibitionist ,but:
1) those of you who know me best are not at all surprised by this
2) those of you who don't know me are probably equally exhibitionist or you likely wouldn't be viewing this site(vicarious, at least)
3)it will be useful

Some current thoughts....
Being a pastor's wife has peaks and VALLEYS ;)
Not sleeping enough is making me cranky...and restless..which makes it hard to sleep.
The girls are happy and growing up fast(ex: Ginger can keep pitch now and say so many words.."please *oh boy *willow* doggie *here, momma*, and Willow just moved up to a booster seat instead of a carseat & says things like"I could stand to eat...I'm thinking braids today...Miss Sandy says etc etc"

I'm tired , and that's the norm lately - hope this is the start of something good...

RoseKat