Thinking out loud

Every day I seem to be faced with lots of decisions, both urgent/immediate and ambiguous/future staring me down..I'm muddling my way through it, and swinging between "I can do this - I'm making good choices and thinking with remarkable clarity!" and "what day is it again? " . Because the things that wear me out the most aren't those urgent decisions, but the endless and complicated small ones, each bringing their own set of consequences that will affect not only me, but the girls as well.
I struggle every day to keep the truth in my consciousness: I don't have to do this perfectly..there's no 'perfect' way to help your children through such an imperfect situation...the girls will adapt, I will adapt, the future is bright for us..
But lies sneak into my thoughts when I least expect them(and especially when I'm worn down emotionally), crowding past all the pleasant and healthy things in my mind, shouting: You can't do this - you will fail. You already have. You're ruined. The people you love will let you down. The people you love the most don't feel the same way about you.

I know they're just lies, and I'm pretty sure everyone hears them - sharp untruths tailored to custom fit our situations, cutting our vulnerable places. I just think it's sad that the truthful, lifegiving thoughts have to be intentionally inserted, protected, memorized and returned to.. while discouragement enters our thoughts uninvited, forcefully, and seems to capture our attention so easily and fully.

The heaviness of this post may lead you to believe my day was all bad; it wasn't - I have a lot to be grateful for and I had some moments of real freedom and joy. I believe tomorrow will bring more of them.