Re - do.

Almost three years ago, I put my newborn daughter in the car and took a crazy road-trip with my mom. I had heard on NPR that there was a feature film being made on Mackinac Island. My only acting experience was some theatre in high school, so I did the natural thing and decided to track down the details and try out for this film. I had no idea what I was doing. My dad recorded a demo for me(it was a musical) and I dragged my tired postpartum self to the upper peninsula with baby in tow for what I thought would be the craziest thing I'd ever do. I remember every moment of that audition..I had stepped into a foreign world - I (clumsily) read the selected scene with the director, thanked them and left. I knew that I hadn't done well. I knew that I would not get the part.
But I was elated.
I had done something that terrified me - I had made a fool of myself doing something risky and random and out of my comfort zone. And though I had not performed impressively, I knew I had tried wholeheartedly.
I can't remember all the auditions I've bombed since that afternoon three years ago, but every time I showed up to face my fears, I came out less afraid.
Next week, I may have the chance to sort of look in the mirror and gauge how far I've come(and how far I have to go!). The film, it turns out, has been delayed for all this time, and they need to recast several roles. Including the one I auditioned for. I'm taking another road trip with my mom(no baby this time)...I'm perplexed and grateful that I get a chance to read for the same part after all this time. So much life and grief and courage have passed through me since that day. It marked the beginning of an adventure that I plan to spend the rest of my life exploring..it will be interesting to come full circle and see how it feels to stand in that place again.

I know a little more about acting now..and have more confidence. But really I still have only two things going for me: I know I'll try wholeheartedly, and I know I'll come out less afraid.
Auditions are a beautiful opportunity to fail, and survive, and get brave.