The Purest Moment of my day..

finds me at different times, usually when I'm not looking for it. Almost always, though, it comes through my daughters..
So far today, it was about ten minutes ago:
Sitting in my rocking chair, with Ginger in my lap, eating sliced cucumbers. Two for her, one for me, two for her, one for me... Just rocking, not saying anything, wispy hair scented with lavender, the only sounds the creak of the old rocker & the quiet crunch of perfectly ripe cucumber.
It was magic.
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My wheels are spinning..

Tonight, as you tuck your children into sleep, think about this:
Every night in Northern Uganda, over 30, 000 children flee from their homes to find relative safety sleeping in the streets of the city.....




Mary came home this weekend before leaving for Turkey next Sunday..
She had the documentary with her that I first mentioned about a week back, and I finally got to see it in it's entirety. Although the film needs work(it's only a rough cut and not exhaustive of the situation's details), it's point is clear: the atrocities of the civil war in Northern Uganda are hurting the children most of all. And it's mission is clear: to draw as much attention to this emergency as possible, in order to provoke the international community to step in and do something.
Since the film is incomplete, it left me with some questions. I spent the better part of tonight researching the history of the conflict, and I have independantly found validation for all the claims that were made in the film(I still have more digging to do). I used records from the UN and various human rights watch groups to confirm the facts from the film. The reason I'm doing this is that after seeing this footage, I no longer have the option of doing NOTHING. And, though I took issue with a few things the filmmakers did(like killing a snake in boyish glee), I still stand behind the project as a whole, because it does what it is supposed to do: it forces you to look at something most of the world has been ignoring, and it makes the viewer very uncomfortable.
I want a clear handle on this subject because I am going to begin showing this film to groups as soon as possible to generate as much action as possible.
This issue, the plight of the people in this region, has been reported on by human rights groups all along. There have been attempts to get the word out through journalism and websites, but I believe that there needs to be a louder tool used in order for our government and others to take action. Hopefully, the use of cinema as a vehicle for change will help - and the grassroots movement that's starting in homes, highschools, colleges, and universities seems to be a good strategy for spreading this urgent information.
These children need help NOW.

Blah.

I didn't get invited to be in the studio program....I got a call from the director today, very sympathetic... I'm more disapointed than I expected to be, but I'll shake it in a day or two.
There are several more opportunities I'm looking into, and I know that learning to deal with rejection is an essential skill to develop if I'm going to be involved in any performance industry!

I did my best, and I'll keep at it.
hope everyone else's day is full of *good* news!
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Studio Project

I had my audition tonight.........I'm glad it's over. I always get more nervous *after* a stressfull experience. I have to wait till thursday to find out if I made the cut - I'm trying to focus on the present rather than the outcome, but it's easier said than done.

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Sometimes I'm a Parasite. Maybe you are, too.

If you click on the titles in my blog, often you'll see another site that gave me pause. This is one of those titles, if you chose to investigate...

I'm sick of church. I just do not want to go through it anymore. Don't misundersand me - I am not sick of *the* church( i.e. the living organism), but I am dreadfully fed up with the 'church'(i.e. the organization/system/image/clean on the outside-filthy on the inside/charade).
I have been involved with groups from many denominations(pockets of "I'm right/they're wrong","love ya, bless ya, wouldn't want to be ya"), and in each have seen something very much the same: somehow an honest existence centered around Christ has been squished out by a bunch of organizations bearing His name. Of course, in each of these places, there were wonderful people who were trying their best to live good lives, to obey His commands.....so it's not one group of people that has irked me, or even one organization's style...it's the massive clot of INFORMATION being passed around, debated, rejected, dissected, made- over, embraced, packaged, torn to pieces..
Trends. Personalities. New Stuff! Cool Music. High Tech everything. Spotlight 'servanthood'. Grandiose giving.
TBN.
And we spend so much time playing these word games: Cell Group/Small group/ Home group/ Life group....
Catchy phrases are valuable currency in this system, and often I feel like I'm hearing the same sentence spoken five different ways, with five different people debating which is best!
Catchy doctrines are even more lucrative: plant a 'seed', reap a desired result...use enough *faith*, get desired result...if you're living right, God will talk to you *alot*, audibly, or through signs that will give you, ultimately, the Desired Result!
I have felt, little by little, the sickening realization that the 'system' of beliefs I had always participated in....doen't work.
On the other hand, as I have become more & more repelled by this lifeless "Christianity", I have become increasingly more attracted to Jesus. I know that I was created with precision & purpose, woven from conception with a need for relationship with the one who made me. I only find completeness when I invest in this purpose. I love Him. I am so grateful that He lets me be flawed. He knows my ugly parts, and how to make them beautiful.
When I peel away all the bells & whistles we've attached to Christ's story, the basic truths plainly written there become pure and profound to me again. And with that, I gain a deeper appreciation for the Church(living organism that makes up the body of Christ), and the individuals who are a part of it.
Please know that I am not attacking/rejecting *people* ( I realize that the things I've ranted against here are a culmination of the choices made by many people over the span of centuries, and that people have made these errors because, like me, they are imperfect & need grace).
I love the people who populate the groups I've been a part of passionately, and I strive to build others up through this love; but the current *mindset* must be torn down, because it's not working. And I know there are traditionally things we Christians don't talk about(especially where the 'lost' might hear them!), but I'm not willing to go along with that. Let's talk in the open, where people can see our transformation into a people who more closely resemble the One we claim to represent.

I'm learning to be less concerned with going to Him campaigning for the Desired Result, and more content just to be near Him. No matter what He does, to stay close and accept His route for my life.
I want desparately to get two things right in this lifetime: to separate truth from the lies, and to learn to trust the one who is Truth completely.
I need alot of work, so I'm glad for grace....

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Civic's studio program

Look, already it's happening here. The weight of words, the torrent, all the words being said seep into each other, the rage , the protest all clotting together. Sit and listen to the wireless and run the wheel of the tuner, spin the dial, hear them all at it, in all languages, pouring out. This is, after all, our first punishment - Babel - saying so much to say nothing. Doing so much to do nothing. Because the power to arrest, to stop us short in our tracks, what does that?................but the silence, listen, how rich it is, how pregnant, how full........
What do you remember? When all is said and done? A kiss? The taste of someone's lips? A view? A breath? A tune? The weight of your grandmother's coffin? The veins on your mother's legs. The white lines on her stomach.
Stop speaking for a day and then start looking.
The senses are sharp! Look at the world about it's business, the snarl , the roar, skin stretched over the teeth, the madness!
The law is frightened of silence. It has words for the defendant who becomes mute. The Wrath of God. Mute by Malice. But it is not silence which is the punishment. Words. WORDS are the punishment.
The silence


beautiful.
Last year it was cigarrettes,
the year before chocolate,
but this is the best.

(from the play Cigarettes & Chocolate)
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This is the monologue I'm performing Monday; I wanted to see if I could type it from memory...it was easier than I expected - I wonder if they'd let me type it instead of speaking...probably shouldn't ask..
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All is Revealed

I am now free to fill in the blanks from my 'hypothetical' entry......
My sister, Mary, has been given the chance to go to Turkey in a couple of weeks with a friend from school..she wanted to tell our parents before going public with details, and they both have given her their support & blessing..she needs to come up with $1,000, which seems amazingly low for this type of trip - I posted it here so that visitors to this blog who know & love Mary can be surrounding her with prayer and have the opportunity(no sense of obligation, please) to contribute funds if you feel impressed with the need. I think her church will be able to help somewhat, but the short notice does make the need imminent.

Paisley(the family dog) has been missing for 2 weeks, and last night(long story-won't bore you) we miraculously retrieved her from the majestic and mysterious "new farm house by the train tracks" , a frequent subject of speculation in our tiny town(doesn't take much to get the locals curious around here) where she has been living like a queen for the past weeks. We talked about getting another dog to keep her company so she won't run off so much; but not a puppy, we both agreed-we don't have the energy for puppy stuff.....
So imagine my dismay this afternoon when, while petting my Paisley, I realized that we would be getting not one more dog, but maybe 5 or 6. Puppies. Hmm.
This is ironic since we are unswerving in the belief that pets should be spayed/neutered, but our vet told us that Paisley has an "inverted vulva"(I think that it's funny to imagine each of your facial expressions when reading this phrase) & we could not spay her until after she'd had her 1st heat. So she runs away, gets her 1st heat, & gets pregnant. And we inadvertantly join the ranks of unplanned pup producers. Any ideas on how to not go insane with a 2 yr old+4 yr old+puppies in the house for 8 weeks?

Update: I just talked to Mary-she's definitely going to Turkey....please keep her in your prayers, if you're the praying sort...



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invisible children

This link shows you how to get actively involved in calling attention to the plight of the thousands of abducted children who are the youngest victims of the atrocities in Sudan. Once you know, you can't pretend that you don't.

Also:
*Hypothetically*, if a person of great courage, passion, and character were suddenly given the chance to go to Turkey in 3 weeks to live with female Muslim college students for ten days, teaching them english & sharing Christ's story, but only had $182.00 in their poor college student's savings account, and if the total cost for the trip were only $1,000, and this *sister* in Christ wanted to go, wouldn't it be a shame if she couldn't go because of money? If she is willing to travel where most of us as Americans wouldn't dare, to share Love with women the rest of us will never meet no matter what the cost to her physical safety, wouldn't it be tragic if the only thing that stifled her chance was the cost of the trip? Of course, this woman would not disclose her name until she had informed her parents( assuming she just found out today about the trip & was not yet able to contact them), one of whom is guaranteed to freak out(freak-out intensity will be much lower if the money question is a non-issue). If , in theory, this sounds like a situation you would like to help with, contact me ASAP & I will fill you in on the details.
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continued Memory..

Then there was the audition for Beauty & the Beast. This time, Katie made *sure* that it was an adult production, and practiced the audition song for weeks.... feeling prepared and hopeful, she arrived at the theater an hour early to review & warm up. Wanting to exude some "Belle" without looking like she tried too hard, Katie wore a floor-length linen dress & cashmere cardigan. Several hundred people competing for a handful of roles made for a tense atmosphere in the auditorium. After the singing portion of the auditions, groups of actors were taken backstage to learn a dance sequence. "No problem", she thought when dressing for the evening-"I was a cheerleader in school; I have rhythmic ability- I should do fine with a few 8-counts." Oddly, some of the women would leave the room after performing, only to return minutes later wearing tiny spandex outfits. While more & more began appearing in their yoga pants and leotards, Katie thought,"Relax, people! It's not like you're auditioning for the Ballet or something! " In her view, the spandex was an obvious cry for attention.
As Katie performed her song, she relaxed and felt the relief of knowing she'd done her best. She took her seat with the next group waiting to go backstage. Suddenly the director stopped, looked directly at her, and said,"The next group to dance will be going backstage in five minutes. If *any* of you haven't changed yet, *this* would be the time."
Blink.
The ill-fated Katie fought to look casual as she absorbed his words. She was not alone - four other women in heels and non-stretchy clothes looked desperate as well, one of whom was quite obese. Quickly considering her options, she left the auditorium and walked across the street to her car.
She knew she could NOT dance in her long dress & heels...and the director had looked right at her & suggested changing! So, her options were clear: 1)dance without changing, rip dress, fall on butt, disrespect director; 2)leave and accept defeat gracefully, free to try again another day(learn from past experience); or 3) rummage through messy car to find something/anything to wear.
Thankfully, the usually embarrassing clutter yielded what she needed: 1 HUGE t-shirt, 1 pair grubby running shoes, & 1 pair Husband's blue swimtrunks.
Yep, she really did.
As she hurriedly changed in the theater bathrooms, Jessica Simpson/Barichniekov(sp?) touched up her makeup in the mirror close by. To make things *less* awkward, Katie stated, "Yes. These are men's swimtrunks." With all the dignity she could muster(and THIS took some acting skills), Katie followed the rest of the group backstage.
Seated at a table in the front of the room was the head of the local ballet company. She introduced "Mr. French-name-ballet-prodigy-guy", who demonstrated the dance sequence. Sparing the details, a brief summary: ...."Pirouette, two ,three, ARMS, pretty fingers, stretch, LEAP!, 7,8, .....stepstepTURNstepstepLEAP-spin, 3,4, stick it-LAND-POSE! Own it!....Again! ......This time for the camera! "
If they were grading on heart, she definitely was in the top ten. Unfortunately, they seemed to be grading on dancing. And they must have taken points off for things like accidentally elbowing the real dancers, or not wearing spandex.
Katie learned an important lesson that day: when things get awkward, she inevitably chooses the *most* embarrassing solution. This trait could help her get into, maybe, improv?



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When things get weird, it helps to make them weirder.

I'm preparing for an audition with the civic theater next week, and I really want this one! As I sat in B&N today for *six* hours trying to find the right monologue, I tried to keep my mind from drifting to thoughts of past auditions..........

(Cue dream sequence-y music)

The air was crisp and the skies clear; the day held almost palpable promise. She was new to the area, recently settled, and had heard the rumor with interest: the local theater was holding auditions for Alice in Wonderland! She caught the time & place, and showed up a bit late(in 'Katie-time, she was actually*early*), hoping they hadn't begun without her.
As she joined the chaotic, crowded room of auditionees, she was handed a form to fill out, which was just as suddenly taken from her by "In Charge-Looking Lady". She sat on the floor along with the others as the audition began with an intro from the director....
The instructions he gave were clear & commanding; the auditionees were to remain silent as others went...names would be called at random...step to the center of the room...after stating your name, briefly introduce your monologue.....MONOLOGUE??!!!!
Katie, surrounded by a sea of cross-legged actors, fought a wave of nausea as she repeated the word again in her mind: monologue. Katie had no monologue. Katie had only been to auditions that required improv or cold reads. One by one, smooth as clockwork, the actors performed their carefully prepared monologues for the director. Eyeing the door, Katie contemplated which would be worse - interrupting the process to step over the eighty-ish people between her & the exit? Or waiting, *waiting* in pure dread for her name to be called, then standing & saying " I am completely unprepared. I have no monologue. "......Indecision sometimes decides for us.
As Katie sat, wondering what to do, an idea began forming in her head....a *very* bad idea. And something else took hold: determination. She had considered her two escape routes, rejected them both, and devised another.
Her confidence renewed, she began planning her next move..... but something was nagging at her as she watched the other actors - they all seemed so .. young. *None* of the adult actors had auditioned yet. And each time one of the young performers would finish, a different pocket of adult actors would applaud crazily, as if they knew them. Close-knit group, she thought.
But.. if the performers were being called at random, how was it possible that all the kids were going.......FIRST?! It hit her like a flash of light - the adults weren't actors!! They were PARENTS!! She was at a Youth Theater audition!!!!!!!!!!
She didn't have time to adjust her plan , for at that very moment her name was called. Automatically, she went to the center of the room, introduced herself, & began making up her monologue. She spoke of the first thing, the only thing , that formed in her mind: the painful memories of the day she lost her uncle(Very appropriate for the particular audience). She poured out her words with genuine emotion, and didn't have time to think of what effect they would have, didn't consider the fact that *everyone* else's monologues were light & funny. When she finished, she looked around.
It was very quiet.
When she left, she felt a couple of things: adrenaline, and...satisfaction that she didn't run for the door. Later she would have plenty of time to put the facts together and allow the embarrassment to really sink in...
To Be continued..............................................................


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Living happens quickly

This blog has been sorely neglected as of late, and so much *life* has happpened between the lines that I don't know exactly where to start. I have a head full of thoughts, and sleepy eyes...I don't know how much will be said before I lay my head down on my new pillow....
Okay - a starting point: my new pillow(rapturous sleep, sleep like I didn't know was possible after that childhood phase when your body contorts like Gumby and you never wake up sore) is - my new pillow is made of memory foam, this substance that has a distinctly chemical smell and will surely be proven in later decades to have contributed to the poor health of blahblahblah. But the comfort level this pillow provides makes all of that go away - I don't care! Not even about the faintly disturbing,though thankfully receding, odor!(and for those of you who know me, that's a *big* deal) I used be baffled when my mom came to stay with us, and brought her own pillow. "Waht!", I would think, as she pulled her pillow from the white kitchen liner that had kept it clean on the trip, "are my pillows not *good* enough for her? Does she not realize that this pillow packing is socially awkward in the guest/hostess situation?"
Then one day last year I tried it. And since then, I have coveted that pillow and thought often of buying one for myself. I finally did last month, and last week I arrived at my aunt's house for a visit, trash-bag-covered memory foam in tow...Sorry it took me so long to understand, Mom.

During the visit I mentioned above, I went to a film festival and saw I am David...it arrives near the top of my favorites list - I am still thinking about it and the richness of the character at it's center.
I've been asked by a few people who know me best why I'm not painting lately. I have, in the past, been bothered by these stretches of inactivity with visual art(they come periodically)...but recently I've gotten very comfortable with it. I realize now more clearly that although I am an artist on the inside, I don't have a *responsibility* to perform visual art constantly. I have learned through past experience that when I try and force painting during the dry times, it's a chore (and not very good). I've noticed that when I stop creating visual art, I always move to another form of expression. In the past, I have agonized over not being exclusively/consistently committed to art, music, and theater because my focus shifts among them. But now, I'm enjoying that shift...it feels natural to listen to my creative side when it wants to do something new, and I know that eventually, I cycle through all the forms of expression I love so much. When exploring one, I can experience things that, when I circle around, will enrich what I bring to the others.
Right now, I think the artist side of me feels so right and natural because I'm moving from performance to expression; and from desperate pursuit to satisfying exploration.