A step, though stressful, toward independence....

Thursday I woke up with one frantic thought: I have to buy a car TODAY.
I had an appointment at noon to drive a Lumina. The owner was a creepy downtown guy who acted a bit paranoid on the phone..he stopped me mid - sentence to ask me suspiciously *where* I was getting my questions(crazy questions like ' what year is the car..how many miles...the last major repair...reason for selling..).
He never showed up for our appointment, but I have a feeling he was watching me in terror through binoculars from some nearby window...
As I drove away I felt like crying but forced myself to stay positive.
At 1:30 I had another appointment, this time to test drive a station wagon which belonged to an acquaintance of an acquaintance. When I showed up, she informed me that the car didn't run - but if I would just buy it right then..she knew someone who would fix it 'real cheap'.
As I drove away I felt like crying but held back the tears and stopped at my aunt's church to call home. Maybe someone had returned my phone calls about an ad in the paper..
No such luck.
As I walked out he door of my aunt's church, I started to cry.
After I got it together, I drove north and passed a car that looked perfect(perfect price, too)..But noone was home to answer the phone, and since I *had* to get a car immediately.. I kept driving.
A few minutes later I pulled into a small dealership - the kind you drive past all your life and never notice.
I saw a little blue car parked in the back, and it was the cheapest one there.
When the salesman walked out to greet me, I fed him the lines I had been rehearsing with feigned confidence: "I am going to buy a car today. It may or may not be here."
I test drove the car, called my bank, returned to the lot and offered $500 less than he was asking(like I had been coached to do). He said no.
I didn't flinch, but said I would take my business elsewhere, turned, and began to leave.
I walked away, waiting for him to stop me, as I had been told to expect.
He didn't.
I drove away, my last hopes dashed.
I made a tearful phone call, feeling totally inept. the rest is a long story, but I went back, negotiated, bluffed, and ended up getting the car.
I picked it up from the lot today, and the cute little beater is growing on me.
I felt sick going into debt...but at least it runs.
Accomplishment&independance vs. financial anxiety&dependence...
There always seems to be two sides to the coin..

.......
So, I have a car!! :) Thanks to those of you who sent your prayers :)




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I looked at my mom this afternoon over the top of the chair we were carrying, both of us covered in grimy dust from the morning's work.

"We're a couple of scrappy women, you know that?", I said proudly.

She grinned at me, looking tired and strong and very beautiful.

We tossed the chair up over the side of the dumpster she rented yesterday. After a few hours of sorting and hauling, stomping and arranging, it now sits full(impossibly full) in the driveway. And the shed that was a catch-all for years is empty, swept, and much bigger that we remembered it being.

It got me thinking:
Sometimes we hold onto things so much longer than we need to, long after they've exhausted their usefulness. They are in the corners, piled together, occupying so much space in our hearts..
Maybe we forget how all that space was intended to be used.
But with a little letting go and throwing out..if we're willing to do the dirty grimy kind of work..
Soon we begin to see that our hearts are much bigger than we remembered them being.

I don't know if I've ever cried as hard during a movie as I did tonight watching A Family Stone...or why this one affected me this way.

But I'm still crying, and the movie's been over for some time.

I don't remember exactly when the tears started; only that once they started, they wouldn't stop.

Dear God, please send a car. The end.

I haven't had a car since spring. That's pretty tough.
I really
really really
really
need a car before Willow starts kindergarten in two weeks.
Her school is a twenty - five minute drive one way from where we live.
I also drive that far to work all week.
In two weeks, I'll be making that trip up to four times a day.
My mom will go back to her job in the school system as well.
She will bring her truck with her.

There is a clicking noise in my head when I try to think of how that's going to work(click)
if I don't get(click) a car.....it feels a lot like math.

I'm pretty sure that's my brain breaking.


............................................................................................................................

P.S.
I can afford to pay 1,000 dollars. If you're selling a car that gets really good mileage and will be reliable, I would like to buy it. Yesterday.

Friendisms..

a long, long time ago, a friend sent me these words in the mail:

You can make more friends in two months by becoming more interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
~ Dale Carnegie

Whether you are blessed with soulmates...or with those who walk with you just a little while, not one of these friends crosses your path by chance. Each is a messenger, sent by God, to give you the wisdom, companionship, comfort, or challenge you need for a particular leg of your spiritual journey.
~ Traci Mullins


True friends don't spend their time gazing into each other's eyes. They may show great tenderness toward each other, but they face in the same direction - toward common projects, interests, goals - above all, to a common Lord.
~ Clive Staples Lewis

And my favorite..

We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop there is at last a drop which makes it run over, so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.
~ Samuel Johnson

This morning I've been a bit off-kilter. It seems that upon first waking, I drank an entire pot of coffee.

My girls are in the kitchen eating tomatoes like they're candy. I never get tired of that.
Actually, today, I never get tired of anything.
Because I'm not tired.
Good coffee.

I get through my day one drink at a time.

I am convinced that Beauty exists all around me in places most of us have forgotten to look.

The texture of my daughter's unbelievably soft pink bedspread, thousands of delicate strings, like overgrown terrycloth, crinkled mountains of light and shadow.

All my life I've thirsted for It, been nourished by It..

The sound of a violin's aching strings or the intensely green blade of grass..

At times when little things in my life are out of balance, but the most important elements are at peace, it is easy for me to see Beauty in vast proportions - the expanse of the sky, the constellations, the feeling of earth's life whirring in the air.
At times when the most important elements of my life are in transition or upended altogether, but smaller sections of it remain vibrant, growing..I crave Beauty in the tiniest things - the smooth coolness of tree bark under my palm, a drop of water on the hood of a car, the splashes of color scattered across the dress I'm wearing now..

I believe that Beauty wants us to see it, and rewards us when we approach.


The darkest moments of my life have been when I couldn't see It anywhere. Although rare, I hope never to return to that terrifying void.



So every day, I want to pay attention - without fail, as I lay in the quiet which comes just before sleep, I am aware of either fullness or depletion in my soul. Some nights I just lay there feeling thirsty, and I know that I did not take enough time to drink in the Beauty available within arm's reach. The nights are best when a nourished soul dances behind my smiling eyes, and I sleep knowing that there is an endless supply to satisfy the ever-returning thirst.


Don't say It's not there. There's more than enough, in places we forgot to expect.
You just have to remember what it's like to drink.

The girls and I have just returned from our first all-girl roadtrip. We headed up to Ludington for two days of beach and family. All of us are happy, tired, a little too much sun. We ate a trough of ice cream at the House of Flavors - I don't want to see ice cream again for a very long time. Actually, that's a lie. I could handle some right now. Really, anything cold sounds acceptable..Michigan has had a killer week of heat, and this little house is a little too cozy without AC.

Last night after the kids were in bed, I settled in with my adult (when did that happen?!?) cousins Jessica and Amanda to watch Amelie'. Beautiful, whimsical storytelling...several absolute no-prior-warning freak out moments..altogether one of my favorite recent films.

I started running again this week. Red-faced, chest on fire, flailing like a mad-woman chased by a cougar. It's been two years since I've run with any regularity, and I've never been any good at it, really..but once I get past the first few weeks of torture it begins to be a meditative window in my routine. No other form of exercise has helped my moods or improved my strength as quickly and thoroughly. I have always loved it - once I get past the strong, *strong* urge to quit.
Hopefully this time, I will learn some skills that may help me improve and continue. If any of you readers are also runners, feel free to help me along by sharing your tips! Or actually carrying me while you run. That would be ok too.