.......
" A fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. But since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won't hold up forever, and if you are lucky and brave you will be willing to bear disillusion. You begin to cry and writhe and yell and then to keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination."
From traveling Mercies, by Anne Lamott
.............
I am grieving the death of so much of the life I thought I knew. It is deep and dull and constant, like swelling. I drive with the radio on, I watch television, play with the girls, read them books, work out, fidget, talk on the phone or read many of your blogs. For the past two months there has been very little quiet in my life, not just because I'm busy and needed by the girls..but because I create distractions. As many as I can. I didn't consciously know I was doing it, but I've slowly been confronting myself over the past few days. realizing that I've been trying to move past this, get through this, but haven't let myself even begin to really grieve the loss. If I stay focused, busy, productive, it doesn't hurt as much. Because I think if it gets too quiet I will become aware of what's going on inside me, and I'm afraid to look at it. I'm afraid the pain of this loss will suck me inward and keep me there. I hope it won't. I hope that grief will reward me for being honest enough to lean into it, by letting me go. So, I am going to look at it, hopefully a little at a time. Every day I will try to create at least a few minutes of quiet, stillness in my body and thoughts. Because if I don't, if I just try to move on and forget and be happy on the surface, I think one day the entire load of sadness will hit me at once and knock the hope right out of me.
........................
" the depth of feeling continued to surprise and threaten me, but each time it hit again and I bore it, like a nicotine craving, I would discover that it hadn't washed me away."
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Today was a strange tipsy-turvy thing. This morning I awoke to another day of partial blindness, at ten a.m....way later than my normal rising time which spun the day off a bit wierd.
Then, mid-morning the hot water heater began seeping all over the laundry room floor, and through a series of phone calls and a gracious visit by uncle keith, the diagnosis was clear: we need a new hot water heater, like, now.
Meanwhile, it became clear that my glasses and contacts would not be arriving in the mail today, which meant two more days of being stranded/trapped/blind/needy...so I began tracking down a place to get emergency glasses made (underline *cheap*)..
Found a place, but it was all the way in Grand Rapids. And I couldn't drive there because I couldn't even see my toes when I looked down.
An hour later, mom decided it would be a good idea for her to crawl under the house and turn off the water valve under the laundry room so the heater will stop leaking. Laying on her stomach peering through the mailbox-sized opening into the darkness while I kept guard, she decided it was less of a good idea.
My amazing friend Carma came straight from work, borrowed a great sweater which looked so much better on her( a cool soft green with her almost-black hair..striking), and drove me to Grand Rapids while I tried to apply makeup blind. Just because I can't see anyone doesn't mean they can't see me, I thought..is this eyeliner or lipliner??
Back up. When Carma came to get me we had to fly out the door to get to the eye place in time, as the sink spontaneously decided to join the water heater in the household revolt, springing a major leak and spewing water all over the kitchen floor...
At the eye place, a nice guy helped me find great 'smart girl don't mess with me' glasses very quickly. As he typed my address into the computer, he stopped, stunned. I live like three houses from there!, he said. Wow, he's got a long drive to work every day..
While Carma and I waited, we had a deep talk about life and our insecurities in the mall food court. Then we listened to a guy playing his guitar and singing, not a mall musician guy, the kind you'd hear in a smoky club in Chicago or Seattle..he sounded alot like Lenny Kravitz. With mall noise in the background, very unsettling..
On the way home Carma and I stopped at Krispy Kreme and imbibed. I had a coupon for a box of doughnuts and she touched *all* of them to see which one she wanted. I was incredulous, and we both laughed hard enough to burn off the calories from the doughnuts.
Once home, I took some Thera Flu to help with the crummy cold I'm fighting..but it made me feel very strange and not better, and definitely wired.
I got ready for bed, washed my hair in brain-numbingly cold water, and thought about how grateful I was to be able to see, and as I stood at the bathroom sink I glanced down at the drain, thinking how improbable and silly it was for me to drop a brand new contact down the drain. How stuff like this always seems to happen to me.
Then I took off my new glasses, and reached into the medicine cabitnet for my face wash. My hand bumped something as I pulled out the cleanser, and in slow motion I followed it's descent, hands grasping air, as my toothbush tumbled neatly down the drain.
I literally fell to the floor in hysterical laughter. My mom could not believe it - she helped me get it back and made a new rule: if I am in the bathroom, the plug must be in the sink.
Because I am not a normal girl, and normal things do not happen to me.
">Link
Then, mid-morning the hot water heater began seeping all over the laundry room floor, and through a series of phone calls and a gracious visit by uncle keith, the diagnosis was clear: we need a new hot water heater, like, now.
Meanwhile, it became clear that my glasses and contacts would not be arriving in the mail today, which meant two more days of being stranded/trapped/blind/needy...so I began tracking down a place to get emergency glasses made (underline *cheap*)..
Found a place, but it was all the way in Grand Rapids. And I couldn't drive there because I couldn't even see my toes when I looked down.
An hour later, mom decided it would be a good idea for her to crawl under the house and turn off the water valve under the laundry room so the heater will stop leaking. Laying on her stomach peering through the mailbox-sized opening into the darkness while I kept guard, she decided it was less of a good idea.
My amazing friend Carma came straight from work, borrowed a great sweater which looked so much better on her( a cool soft green with her almost-black hair..striking), and drove me to Grand Rapids while I tried to apply makeup blind. Just because I can't see anyone doesn't mean they can't see me, I thought..is this eyeliner or lipliner??
Back up. When Carma came to get me we had to fly out the door to get to the eye place in time, as the sink spontaneously decided to join the water heater in the household revolt, springing a major leak and spewing water all over the kitchen floor...
At the eye place, a nice guy helped me find great 'smart girl don't mess with me' glasses very quickly. As he typed my address into the computer, he stopped, stunned. I live like three houses from there!, he said. Wow, he's got a long drive to work every day..
While Carma and I waited, we had a deep talk about life and our insecurities in the mall food court. Then we listened to a guy playing his guitar and singing, not a mall musician guy, the kind you'd hear in a smoky club in Chicago or Seattle..he sounded alot like Lenny Kravitz. With mall noise in the background, very unsettling..
On the way home Carma and I stopped at Krispy Kreme and imbibed. I had a coupon for a box of doughnuts and she touched *all* of them to see which one she wanted. I was incredulous, and we both laughed hard enough to burn off the calories from the doughnuts.
Once home, I took some Thera Flu to help with the crummy cold I'm fighting..but it made me feel very strange and not better, and definitely wired.
I got ready for bed, washed my hair in brain-numbingly cold water, and thought about how grateful I was to be able to see, and as I stood at the bathroom sink I glanced down at the drain, thinking how improbable and silly it was for me to drop a brand new contact down the drain. How stuff like this always seems to happen to me.
Then I took off my new glasses, and reached into the medicine cabitnet for my face wash. My hand bumped something as I pulled out the cleanser, and in slow motion I followed it's descent, hands grasping air, as my toothbush tumbled neatly down the drain.
I literally fell to the floor in hysterical laughter. My mom could not believe it - she helped me get it back and made a new rule: if I am in the bathroom, the plug must be in the sink.
Because I am not a normal girl, and normal things do not happen to me.
">Link
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Blurred Lines, Plenty of confusion
A wise sage once said 'if a mother goes blind, it is best to not tell the children.'
Actually, I made that up. Instead, it was Willow this afternoon who said skeptically, 'I never heard of a mom who can't see.' I squinted at her small form against the backdrop of the white stove behind her...
Last night I was washing my face and taking my contacts out as usual. They were brand new, the first day of wear, and I was aving trouble getting the right contact out of my eye. Then, to my relief, it was out. To my dismay, it was washwept down the drain of the sink I was leaning over.
It was my only pair of contacts.
I do not own glasses.
This morning, I explained to the girls why we had to stay at the house all day and cancel our appointments. That Mom couldn't see so it wouldn't be safe for her to drive, or even to walk across the acorn-strewn patio. So no playing outside either.
Then I made breakfast(pb&j toast), and after they had eaten and I tried to perform basic tasks like not tripping on the dog, I thought: when you can't see everything takes longer but it doesn't matter because along with your vision, time also blurs.
I realized at some point that Ginger was walking around with alot of jelly on her chin. and lips and nose and cheek. I didn't remember actully putting that much jelly on her toast...
As I groped my way toward her, stopping almost nose-to-nose, I figured out that it was not jelly. Lipstick, rather. In one of my favorite shades..so I asked her to show me the rest of the lipstick, and she led me to the bathroom wall.
I ws going to post some of my favorihoughts from Ann Lammott's Travelling mercies, but that will have to wait until I can actually read.
My face is four inches from the keyboard as I type this, and my mother is making fun of me..
And, no - I qwon't use spell check. It would be too hard to read and I think any possible errors in my typing are a testimoniasl to my cureent reality.
Actually, I made that up. Instead, it was Willow this afternoon who said skeptically, 'I never heard of a mom who can't see.' I squinted at her small form against the backdrop of the white stove behind her...
Last night I was washing my face and taking my contacts out as usual. They were brand new, the first day of wear, and I was aving trouble getting the right contact out of my eye. Then, to my relief, it was out. To my dismay, it was washwept down the drain of the sink I was leaning over.
It was my only pair of contacts.
I do not own glasses.
This morning, I explained to the girls why we had to stay at the house all day and cancel our appointments. That Mom couldn't see so it wouldn't be safe for her to drive, or even to walk across the acorn-strewn patio. So no playing outside either.
Then I made breakfast(pb&j toast), and after they had eaten and I tried to perform basic tasks like not tripping on the dog, I thought: when you can't see everything takes longer but it doesn't matter because along with your vision, time also blurs.
I realized at some point that Ginger was walking around with alot of jelly on her chin. and lips and nose and cheek. I didn't remember actully putting that much jelly on her toast...
As I groped my way toward her, stopping almost nose-to-nose, I figured out that it was not jelly. Lipstick, rather. In one of my favorite shades..so I asked her to show me the rest of the lipstick, and she led me to the bathroom wall.
I ws going to post some of my favorihoughts from Ann Lammott's Travelling mercies, but that will have to wait until I can actually read.
My face is four inches from the keyboard as I type this, and my mother is making fun of me..
And, no - I qwon't use spell check. It would be too hard to read and I think any possible errors in my typing are a testimoniasl to my cureent reality.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Mr Falafel and redemption
After a long day's work in Kzoo this weekend, I was really hungry. I drove toward this fantastic coffee house near Western that always has homemade vegan soups...but after I parked, I detoured into a small storefront a few doors down. Mr Falafel was calling my name. I'm a sucker for new dining experiences, especially mediterrenean, middle eastern, southeast asian..
I inquired and found out that the grape leaves I was eyeing contained onion. :( I let them know how I feel about onions and asked them to show me my options. The friendly punkrock boy behind the counter pointed at this platter piled high with flaky triangle pastries. He smiled and assured me that they were the way to go. Definitely no onions. I really liked his bracelets. I also ordered five pieces of baklava, so I could share some with my parents whose house I was headed to.
I drove away happy, tired and ready to enjoy the luxury of a fresh hot spinach pie. The steam from the takeout box was rising in lacy spirals.
I took one bite and very quickly realized the thing was *full* of onion. Grrrrrr....
I was so disapointed and made a mental note to not go out of my way to eat at Mr Falafel again, in case the same unpleasentness should result.
Oh, well.
But then, I had the baklava. Countless flaky layers of philo dough, crushed nuts, drenched in honey, somehow involving a paste made of dates...some of the *best* baklava ever. My memories of the onion mix-up quickly faded, I hardly remember now..when I think of Mr. Falafel, all I know is I have got to go back there and buy more baklava.
I inquired and found out that the grape leaves I was eyeing contained onion. :( I let them know how I feel about onions and asked them to show me my options. The friendly punkrock boy behind the counter pointed at this platter piled high with flaky triangle pastries. He smiled and assured me that they were the way to go. Definitely no onions. I really liked his bracelets. I also ordered five pieces of baklava, so I could share some with my parents whose house I was headed to.
I drove away happy, tired and ready to enjoy the luxury of a fresh hot spinach pie. The steam from the takeout box was rising in lacy spirals.
I took one bite and very quickly realized the thing was *full* of onion. Grrrrrr....
I was so disapointed and made a mental note to not go out of my way to eat at Mr Falafel again, in case the same unpleasentness should result.
Oh, well.
But then, I had the baklava. Countless flaky layers of philo dough, crushed nuts, drenched in honey, somehow involving a paste made of dates...some of the *best* baklava ever. My memories of the onion mix-up quickly faded, I hardly remember now..when I think of Mr. Falafel, all I know is I have got to go back there and buy more baklava.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
The long-term plan, very short version
..
save $10,000.
work temp jobs between(not instead of) acting jobs.
build new traditions and stability with Ginger & Willow
continue my education through weekend intensives and workshops at Kzoo Civic,
Purple Rose in Ann Arbor, and Second City in Chicago.
get involved with a faith community that will support the girls' growth
invest in friendships here and in LA
after a season of saving and healing, the girls and I will move to LA.
------------------------------------
to be continued ..
save $10,000.
work temp jobs between(not instead of) acting jobs.
build new traditions and stability with Ginger & Willow
continue my education through weekend intensives and workshops at Kzoo Civic,
Purple Rose in Ann Arbor, and Second City in Chicago.
get involved with a faith community that will support the girls' growth
invest in friendships here and in LA
after a season of saving and healing, the girls and I will move to LA.
------------------------------------
to be continued ..
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Ginger's Flute
Both of my daughters enjoy listening to music. They have preferences, and sing along, invent tunes of their own. I imagine this is typical for kids their ages. But I think Ginger may be one of those rare children who, at two years old, has 'caught it'. She *loves* music. You can tell when she's in a crowded restaurant and she tilts her head, gets a far off look in her eyes, and quietly listens, her ears searching behind the din to the faint, almost indescernable melody. And after a moment, she'll make you listen for it, too.
Both girls enjoy the car game we play while we listen to classical or jazz and try to identify the instruments. I'll start by introducing one of the sounds, then we all listen closely and wait for it to go away and return throughout the song. Ginger's ability to remember the one instrument's sound for the entire composition is uncanny for a toddler. Just recently she's begun to recognize the flute(her current favorite) in songs when we're not even playing the game! I've also noticed she has strong likes and dislikes: jazz/fascinating, country/tolerable, classical/great, eighties rock/punishable, top 40 pop divas/scoffed at, real bluegrass/likes it, hip hop/loves it, royal tennenbaums soundtrack/rapt bliss. The only gray area so far seems to be rap.
And they dance. Both of them, every day, and today Willow showed me a variation on her favorite: "arabesque on a chair" without falling. I was very impressed/relieved.
Both girls enjoy the car game we play while we listen to classical or jazz and try to identify the instruments. I'll start by introducing one of the sounds, then we all listen closely and wait for it to go away and return throughout the song. Ginger's ability to remember the one instrument's sound for the entire composition is uncanny for a toddler. Just recently she's begun to recognize the flute(her current favorite) in songs when we're not even playing the game! I've also noticed she has strong likes and dislikes: jazz/fascinating, country/tolerable, classical/great, eighties rock/punishable, top 40 pop divas/scoffed at, real bluegrass/likes it, hip hop/loves it, royal tennenbaums soundtrack/rapt bliss. The only gray area so far seems to be rap.
And they dance. Both of them, every day, and today Willow showed me a variation on her favorite: "arabesque on a chair" without falling. I was very impressed/relieved.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Thinking out loud
Every day I seem to be faced with lots of decisions, both urgent/immediate and ambiguous/future staring me down..I'm muddling my way through it, and swinging between "I can do this - I'm making good choices and thinking with remarkable clarity!" and "what day is it again? " . Because the things that wear me out the most aren't those urgent decisions, but the endless and complicated small ones, each bringing their own set of consequences that will affect not only me, but the girls as well.
I struggle every day to keep the truth in my consciousness: I don't have to do this perfectly..there's no 'perfect' way to help your children through such an imperfect situation...the girls will adapt, I will adapt, the future is bright for us..
But lies sneak into my thoughts when I least expect them(and especially when I'm worn down emotionally), crowding past all the pleasant and healthy things in my mind, shouting: You can't do this - you will fail. You already have. You're ruined. The people you love will let you down. The people you love the most don't feel the same way about you.
I know they're just lies, and I'm pretty sure everyone hears them - sharp untruths tailored to custom fit our situations, cutting our vulnerable places. I just think it's sad that the truthful, lifegiving thoughts have to be intentionally inserted, protected, memorized and returned to.. while discouragement enters our thoughts uninvited, forcefully, and seems to capture our attention so easily and fully.
The heaviness of this post may lead you to believe my day was all bad; it wasn't - I have a lot to be grateful for and I had some moments of real freedom and joy. I believe tomorrow will bring more of them.
I struggle every day to keep the truth in my consciousness: I don't have to do this perfectly..there's no 'perfect' way to help your children through such an imperfect situation...the girls will adapt, I will adapt, the future is bright for us..
But lies sneak into my thoughts when I least expect them(and especially when I'm worn down emotionally), crowding past all the pleasant and healthy things in my mind, shouting: You can't do this - you will fail. You already have. You're ruined. The people you love will let you down. The people you love the most don't feel the same way about you.
I know they're just lies, and I'm pretty sure everyone hears them - sharp untruths tailored to custom fit our situations, cutting our vulnerable places. I just think it's sad that the truthful, lifegiving thoughts have to be intentionally inserted, protected, memorized and returned to.. while discouragement enters our thoughts uninvited, forcefully, and seems to capture our attention so easily and fully.
The heaviness of this post may lead you to believe my day was all bad; it wasn't - I have a lot to be grateful for and I had some moments of real freedom and joy. I believe tomorrow will bring more of them.
Monday, October 10, 2005
The adventures of Marge and Lara..
Today my father's mother Marge and my sister Lara are on a plane to the east coast. They both volunteered to assist the Red Cross in Hurricane Relief, and both ended up being assigned to the same call center. They even got put on the same flight...this may not sound extraordinary to you, but if you knew these women..
Drastically different personalities and lifestyles, appearances, ways of communicating..
But both fiercely opinionated, independent, intelligent, worldly..
Alone, they each change the temperature of a room when they walk in - eyes turn to them, people instinctively take notice - they bring a bold perspective and self assurance.
Together, in this context, in one building just cubicles away from each other..
you'd better brace yourself, D.C. !
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have one sick four yr old today - we didn't get much sleep last night..probably a touch of the flu, and hopefully just a 24 hr one. This has been the first chance to implement a new tradition: what we call a 'snuggle-down day'. These days happen when someone isn't feeling well, and it means staying in your PJ's, drinking lots of tea while wrapped in grandma's woolen/sherpa blanket, and watching Cinderella and old Michelle Kwan videos, alternately, as many times as we want.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm excited to start a new project this month, excited because it's my first credited role in a feature film, excited because it's the first project for which I don't have to furnish my own wardrobe..excited because I get to work with a team of people that are laid-back, fun, and knowledgeable.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
More later about plans for the immediate and less immediate future.
Have a beautiful day!
Drastically different personalities and lifestyles, appearances, ways of communicating..
But both fiercely opinionated, independent, intelligent, worldly..
Alone, they each change the temperature of a room when they walk in - eyes turn to them, people instinctively take notice - they bring a bold perspective and self assurance.
Together, in this context, in one building just cubicles away from each other..
you'd better brace yourself, D.C. !
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have one sick four yr old today - we didn't get much sleep last night..probably a touch of the flu, and hopefully just a 24 hr one. This has been the first chance to implement a new tradition: what we call a 'snuggle-down day'. These days happen when someone isn't feeling well, and it means staying in your PJ's, drinking lots of tea while wrapped in grandma's woolen/sherpa blanket, and watching Cinderella and old Michelle Kwan videos, alternately, as many times as we want.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm excited to start a new project this month, excited because it's my first credited role in a feature film, excited because it's the first project for which I don't have to furnish my own wardrobe..excited because I get to work with a team of people that are laid-back, fun, and knowledgeable.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
More later about plans for the immediate and less immediate future.
Have a beautiful day!
Saturday, October 08, 2005
I'm back
When I posted last, I said this blog was on hiatus. My life has changed irrevocably, and I've spent the last month beginning to adapt to the way things are now. I don't want to explain everything here( I feel like I've had to do too much of that lately and I'm sick of hearing myself), so if you want more details you can read Justin's xanga.
I want to keep this site going but I don't know how it will work exactly. I have to be honest when I write, so be forewarned that my posts will likely reflect the emotional rollercoaster I'm experiencing in my personal life.
I appreciate all of you who read - some of you have already been walking through this with me, and I am grateful to know you. What I need from everyone right now is love and prayers..I realize that many people have very defined opinions about these kinds of situations; and some feel compelled, even 'compelled by god', to share those views. I have already encountered some of these well-meaning people, and heard a variety of their counsel, so.. please know that if I need advice, I'll ask for it.. I love all of you.
The girls are amazingly resilient..more about them, and life, later.
I want to keep this site going but I don't know how it will work exactly. I have to be honest when I write, so be forewarned that my posts will likely reflect the emotional rollercoaster I'm experiencing in my personal life.
I appreciate all of you who read - some of you have already been walking through this with me, and I am grateful to know you. What I need from everyone right now is love and prayers..I realize that many people have very defined opinions about these kinds of situations; and some feel compelled, even 'compelled by god', to share those views. I have already encountered some of these well-meaning people, and heard a variety of their counsel, so.. please know that if I need advice, I'll ask for it.. I love all of you.
The girls are amazingly resilient..more about them, and life, later.
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