I should *not* be awake right now, but since I am , I thought to post a brief update...
Despite a situation whose details I cannot discuss, except to say it's been a painful week, I am doing pretty well as far as managing my anxiety. I have only had one panic attack since I've been home... and although each of the helpful stress-managing skills I learned at /meier clinic are being put to the (grueling)test, I must say-they work! So, it's no mistake that I went when I did, and that the current situation I'm dealing with would happen now. In the past week, I've been able(had to) practice assertiveness, loving confrontation, setting boundaries, and honest self-assessment. I feel good about the progress I'm making in those areas, and I see that I need more practice.;)
There are several ways this painful situation could play out, and none of them will be comfortable.....but the *huge* difference in me is, I now know that things like this don't have to turn out perfectly. No matter what , I feel that I will be o.k, and I'll still be 'me'.
which is so much more relaxing than my attitude would have been a few months ago, when I would have predicted the worst possible outcome, but *needed* the best....and felt that "all is lost" sensation.
My old "I can't stand this" has become instead " I don't like this-it hurts-it's not right and certainly not what I would choose...but I *can* stand it."
And another thing that's different: even in the middle of something this painful, I can enjoy and appreciate the good things that are around me. Before, when things would fall apart, I couldn't see anything else.
And my life is *full* of things that are beautiful. some of my current favorites.........
red kitchen walls a sister's bubblegum-stained smile
my father's voice when he's singing
The sound of Ginger's feet running toward me
Willow's grey-green eyes, so much like petoskey stones
every wise and nourishing word from my mother..........
being able to(finally) sleep in
peace
">Link
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Three hours before reaching my senses ;)
Last night I lasted three hours before coming in at 1:30. It took about 1/2 hr of coaching from Justin before I could find a close-enough to comfortable position, and once I finally stopped squirming, I learned a few things I won't soon forget...
1~ winter sleeping bags are shaped very differently than their warm-weather cousins.
2~winter sleeping bags are shaped like ancient-eqyptian-coffin/mummy-wrap-things.
3~when in a winter sleeping bag, one should not attempt to move; if one does, one will become hopelessly entangled, resulting in a sensation that can only be compared to having a wedgie.On your entire body.
4~when preparing to sleep outdoors, it is wise to overdress the knee which will be closest to the zipper. Otherwise, the knee will wind up locally frozen by the tiny blast of arctic air seeping through the pin-sized zipper-flaw.
5~Apparently, people with panic disorder should not attempt to sleep in things that feel like coffins.
6~Supposing that such a person *does* attempt this, they will undoubtedly feel the need to keep their face uncovered so as to breathe fresh air(lessening the mummy sensation)
7~Should said person fall asleep with their face uncovered outdoors in the winter, they will definately find themselves disoriented upon awaking with frozen aching lungs. They will, in their confused state, assume that they are in ancient eqypt, during the ice age, stuck in a mummy wrap/coffin-thing, dying of frozen lungs.
8~Once one has recovered from above dreadful illusion, they will immediately get up, walk the three steps to the screen door, tell their spouse they've had enough, & stumble towards their down comforter, whos name has aquired new meaning.
It was worth a try. Justin was nice enough to come in when I did, although he certainly would have prefferred his outdoor bed. Besides sleeping in the cold, he faithfully tends his ice wall(in our backyard, taller than the garage!) each day, and climbs in his basement bouldering cave; all in preparation for his annual trip up north for the ice fest. There *are* others like him, and they converge in cold places each year to freeze together. He can't wait - last year, he took our sister Mary, who is always up for an adventure with her big brother. This year he's taking a group of guys who have never climbed - or winter camped. The stories should be interesting!........
Weird! ...ringing cell...as I finish writing this, Justin & I are on the phone with Mary - she's loving Moody and is wasting no time putting down roots there. I won't even attempt to talk further about her right now - there's too much to be said about someone so loved.
P.S. Yes, Mary, next time I sleep outside, I'll make sure my hair is dry first.
1~ winter sleeping bags are shaped very differently than their warm-weather cousins.
2~winter sleeping bags are shaped like ancient-eqyptian-coffin/mummy-wrap-things.
3~when in a winter sleeping bag, one should not attempt to move; if one does, one will become hopelessly entangled, resulting in a sensation that can only be compared to having a wedgie.On your entire body.
4~when preparing to sleep outdoors, it is wise to overdress the knee which will be closest to the zipper. Otherwise, the knee will wind up locally frozen by the tiny blast of arctic air seeping through the pin-sized zipper-flaw.
5~Apparently, people with panic disorder should not attempt to sleep in things that feel like coffins.
6~Supposing that such a person *does* attempt this, they will undoubtedly feel the need to keep their face uncovered so as to breathe fresh air(lessening the mummy sensation)
7~Should said person fall asleep with their face uncovered outdoors in the winter, they will definately find themselves disoriented upon awaking with frozen aching lungs. They will, in their confused state, assume that they are in ancient eqypt, during the ice age, stuck in a mummy wrap/coffin-thing, dying of frozen lungs.
8~Once one has recovered from above dreadful illusion, they will immediately get up, walk the three steps to the screen door, tell their spouse they've had enough, & stumble towards their down comforter, whos name has aquired new meaning.
It was worth a try. Justin was nice enough to come in when I did, although he certainly would have prefferred his outdoor bed. Besides sleeping in the cold, he faithfully tends his ice wall(in our backyard, taller than the garage!) each day, and climbs in his basement bouldering cave; all in preparation for his annual trip up north for the ice fest. There *are* others like him, and they converge in cold places each year to freeze together. He can't wait - last year, he took our sister Mary, who is always up for an adventure with her big brother. This year he's taking a group of guys who have never climbed - or winter camped. The stories should be interesting!........
Weird! ...ringing cell...as I finish writing this, Justin & I are on the phone with Mary - she's loving Moody and is wasting no time putting down roots there. I won't even attempt to talk further about her right now - there's too much to be said about someone so loved.
P.S. Yes, Mary, next time I sleep outside, I'll make sure my hair is dry first.
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Maybe I *am* crazy!
The things I do for love are crazy - we all do them, really. Take risks we otherwise wouldn't, try new things, etc....
But at some point, we draw the line. We cling to what we know of ourselves, and refuse to be bought - even for the sake of love.
So why have I agreed to sleep outside on our front porch next to the trimmed-off remnants of this year's (last year's) Christmas tree? Why, with hair still wet from my shower, am I laying on a narrow camping pad in a zero degree sleeping bag when my down comforter is but meters away? Why am I hearing the distinctly maddening rustle of Nylon(or whatever new hybrid-trendy-extreme sports fabric they've come up with) every time i make the slighest move?
Why, as I type, do my fingers slow with spreading chill when they could be warmed with my favorite mug of tea?
Because
There's this large warm mass next to me
Shrouded beneath it's own layers of Nylon
And this thing(husband-type thing) has *very* persuasive eyes, especially when proposing Adventure
And I do crazy things for love - still figuring out how far I'll go.
Until next time, hope your homes are full of warmth and
peace.
Weather: Current temp - 14 degrees. Feels like 6.
">Link
But at some point, we draw the line. We cling to what we know of ourselves, and refuse to be bought - even for the sake of love.
So why have I agreed to sleep outside on our front porch next to the trimmed-off remnants of this year's (last year's) Christmas tree? Why, with hair still wet from my shower, am I laying on a narrow camping pad in a zero degree sleeping bag when my down comforter is but meters away? Why am I hearing the distinctly maddening rustle of Nylon(or whatever new hybrid-trendy-extreme sports fabric they've come up with) every time i make the slighest move?
Why, as I type, do my fingers slow with spreading chill when they could be warmed with my favorite mug of tea?
Because
There's this large warm mass next to me
Shrouded beneath it's own layers of Nylon
And this thing(husband-type thing) has *very* persuasive eyes, especially when proposing Adventure
And I do crazy things for love - still figuring out how far I'll go.
Until next time, hope your homes are full of warmth and
peace.
Weather: Current temp - 14 degrees. Feels like 6.
">Link
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Hope
Please read this blog if you want a look at the tsunami that is closer and more personal than much of what we're seeing in the media. This family lives in Phuket and although I haven't met them, I love them. They have links to donate to Servelife's relief fund & it's 100% directed to the victims.
http://zaynsdad.typepad.com
http://zaynsdad.typepad.com
Snowpants and swimmysuits
Sunday night when we were driving back to the clinic, Willow chatted with Grandma Corbin on the cell phone. Let me preface the following by saying it's a paraphrase and some content may be inappropriate for adults who read too much into things:
"You could come with us, Grandma! Next time you come when you get here we can climb that mountain with Mommy and Daddy and Ginger."
Pause.
"We can wear swimmysuits!"
Pause.
"And snowpants-we'll wear snowpants,too..."
Pause.
"And we'll take our big girl panties off ( I'm really hoping she means so that we can put *on* our swimsuits here, but with a four yr old, who knows?) to climb that cold snow mountain!"
Pause.
"That will be pretty cool, huh?"
You never know exactly what kids are going to say, and even if you did, a lot is lost in translation...
Tonight upon arriving home, we decided to surprise the girls with a sledding-by-moonlight treat...We had much fun cruising down the hill(willow solo & loving it);trying to keep our dog Paisley in the sled all the way to the bottom was a challenge that both Justin & I tackled several times, amid flailing protest. Ginger liked her first sledding trip so much that after a few times, she learned how to inch herself forward towards the slope, trying to go down alone! Mom's not quite ready for that kind of adventure, so we went down together instead. No sooner would we slide to a stop than she would start begging,"Moe, Mommy! Hun, Hun!!"(fun)
Hours later, the girls are happily sleeping and Justin is climbing in his cave in the basement...and I am still wearing slightly damp Patagonia fleece pants, just now realizing that I've been ignoring the discomfort in order to prevent having to get up from my little nest on the couch. I have been telling myself they'll dry, but that calm inner voice has just turned into a whine..........
Now that I'm all set in my favorite pj's, I have decided there's nothing more to say
except
it's good to be home - and I hope this night is as peaceful for you and those you love.
">Link
"You could come with us, Grandma! Next time you come when you get here we can climb that mountain with Mommy and Daddy and Ginger."
Pause.
"We can wear swimmysuits!"
Pause.
"And snowpants-we'll wear snowpants,too..."
Pause.
"And we'll take our big girl panties off ( I'm really hoping she means so that we can put *on* our swimsuits here, but with a four yr old, who knows?) to climb that cold snow mountain!"
Pause.
"That will be pretty cool, huh?"
You never know exactly what kids are going to say, and even if you did, a lot is lost in translation...
Tonight upon arriving home, we decided to surprise the girls with a sledding-by-moonlight treat...We had much fun cruising down the hill(willow solo & loving it);trying to keep our dog Paisley in the sled all the way to the bottom was a challenge that both Justin & I tackled several times, amid flailing protest. Ginger liked her first sledding trip so much that after a few times, she learned how to inch herself forward towards the slope, trying to go down alone! Mom's not quite ready for that kind of adventure, so we went down together instead. No sooner would we slide to a stop than she would start begging,"Moe, Mommy! Hun, Hun!!"(fun)
Hours later, the girls are happily sleeping and Justin is climbing in his cave in the basement...and I am still wearing slightly damp Patagonia fleece pants, just now realizing that I've been ignoring the discomfort in order to prevent having to get up from my little nest on the couch. I have been telling myself they'll dry, but that calm inner voice has just turned into a whine..........
Now that I'm all set in my favorite pj's, I have decided there's nothing more to say
except
it's good to be home - and I hope this night is as peaceful for you and those you love.
">Link
Sunday, January 09, 2005
The weekend passed so quickly..
It's been a great weekend with Justin & the girls, but it's time to make the transition back to the hotel life for two more days. Willow is sitting next to me right now, and i know every time I leave it's harder for her. 'At least it's not for long this time', I tell her. She says, 'Will you go back in two weeks?'...'No', I answer,'I will be all done for *real* on Tuesday!'... she smiles and darts off to dance in the kitchen while Justin attempts to get coats on two sugar-charged girls(they're still coming down from the birthday cake buzz)
I know it will be nice to relax tonight and get some writing/reading done, but it's definitely harder to leave my sunshine girls every time. I'm glad this is the last goodbye.
A side note: Justin's teaching this morning was so good and thought provoking - although I'm not sure it was popular. ;)
Until next time, I hope your days are filled with meaning.
">Link
I know it will be nice to relax tonight and get some writing/reading done, but it's definitely harder to leave my sunshine girls every time. I'm glad this is the last goodbye.
A side note: Justin's teaching this morning was so good and thought provoking - although I'm not sure it was popular. ;)
Until next time, I hope your days are filled with meaning.
">Link
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Two More Days, and feeling conflicted
I have almost completed the 3 week day program through Meier Clinic for my anxiety disorder, and I am making good progress. I'm learning about the ways anxiety works; where it comes from, how it affects me, how I can manage it... I've been able to share life with some of the most amazing and authentic people I've ever met.
If I ever write a book about my experiences here, the title may read something like I wish Christians would act More Like Mental Patients! Seriously, the group I am a part of is undoubtedly the best church I've ever been to. They are all screwed up & aren't afraid to show it. They listen to each other - actively paying attention to each others' pain. They depart from the 'rules' when someone could be better helped in an individual , unique way. They don't hide or lie - they don't have to, because no matter what they say or do, they are accepted. They understand that the essence of salvation is not 'having it all together and performing good deeds, going to church, subscribing to 'Outreach weekly', going to conferences and buying t shirts ( Get right or Get Left!)'; it's crying out to God " No! I don't have it all together! I cannot do this life thing on my own - if you don't help me , if you don't really do something, I'm dying here! I need Your help! I'm broken.."
I have seen, firsthand, that God is close to the brokenhearted. And the broken.
So, I've only got two days left, and I feel conflicted... I want to get on with my life and move forward, spending time with family and exploring what's ahead of me. But, at the same time, I feel a little sad : I have loved this place and these people, I have shared more and received more than seems possible in such a short time. The way they approach God is refreshingly honest, and most of all - more than anything else that I'll miss - it's safe. It's a safe place to be yourself and that's hard to find. Thank God for my anxiety disorder. Thank God for every breathless panic attack and even for my deepest troubles. I am learning things about myself and Him that I couldn't have ever experienced without this crap.
I hope this blog has been helpful to all of you that care, and I am so thankful for each of you. To my friends at meier clinic - I love you and will always be grateful that our lives intersected. Thank you for all you've done for so many people.
For those of you who are wanting more specifics, feel free to give me a call after Tuesday
">Link
If I ever write a book about my experiences here, the title may read something like I wish Christians would act More Like Mental Patients! Seriously, the group I am a part of is undoubtedly the best church I've ever been to. They are all screwed up & aren't afraid to show it. They listen to each other - actively paying attention to each others' pain. They depart from the 'rules' when someone could be better helped in an individual , unique way. They don't hide or lie - they don't have to, because no matter what they say or do, they are accepted. They understand that the essence of salvation is not 'having it all together and performing good deeds, going to church, subscribing to 'Outreach weekly', going to conferences and buying t shirts ( Get right or Get Left!)'; it's crying out to God " No! I don't have it all together! I cannot do this life thing on my own - if you don't help me , if you don't really do something, I'm dying here! I need Your help! I'm broken.."
I have seen, firsthand, that God is close to the brokenhearted. And the broken.
So, I've only got two days left, and I feel conflicted... I want to get on with my life and move forward, spending time with family and exploring what's ahead of me. But, at the same time, I feel a little sad : I have loved this place and these people, I have shared more and received more than seems possible in such a short time. The way they approach God is refreshingly honest, and most of all - more than anything else that I'll miss - it's safe. It's a safe place to be yourself and that's hard to find. Thank God for my anxiety disorder. Thank God for every breathless panic attack and even for my deepest troubles. I am learning things about myself and Him that I couldn't have ever experienced without this crap.
I hope this blog has been helpful to all of you that care, and I am so thankful for each of you. To my friends at meier clinic - I love you and will always be grateful that our lives intersected. Thank you for all you've done for so many people.
For those of you who are wanting more specifics, feel free to give me a call after Tuesday
">Link
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